Move On

Move On

Having run SYBD for the better part of a decade, I came up with my own  12 Stages of Recovery  – which I’ve been blogging about over the past few months.

Today we’re looking at the fourth one on the journey – which is the  SENSE-MAKING STAGE  (AKA The “why why why” questioning phase).

In case you missed them, two of the earlier stages – covered were the Tornado Phase and the Ground Zero stage.

As someone struggles to come to terms with their broken heart, what follows describes how dumpees long to feel less alone and to find answers to the all-too-common “is this normal?” question.

During this stage, it is common to search for support and advice – particularly through  mediums like counselling, websites or books.

This is when most of SYBD’s members log on and begin posting. What follows is a list of the more common questions that dumpees pose.

More often then not the queries tend to be along the lines of “How did I not see this coming?” or “How can my ex just move on so quickly?” or “How long will this pain last?”

Of course there are many more questions that a dumpee asks when trying to come to terms with what has happened these are just a few of the most common.

In the early stages of a break-up, it’s completely normal to question absolutely everything – not only about how the relationship ended, but also if you’re anything like me – you may wonder if the whole relationship was based on a lie or a big illusion. “I was with my ex for years, did I mean nothing to him/her?”

NEEDING ANSWERS

During the sense-making stage you just want answers, often in hopes of obtaining the illusive “closure”, but unfortunately most of those questions we have won’t get answers to — or if we do get the answers, they won’t actually make us feel any better.

The fact is, your ex may not know why he or she ended it. They might  not even know why they fell out of love or lost interest in you – or in some (ok, many) cases why they fell for someone else.

It’s a sad fact to realise that people fall in and out of love in every minute of every day all over the world.

It’s not actually a crime that your ex stopped loving you, it’s just painful and disappointing. I know. Been there…done that…launched the website to prove it.

Our egos cry out “how could s/he?” – indignant that some big crime has been committed but the sad fact of the matter is – they simply did.

GOOGLING FOR ANSWERS

During this particular stage, which can come and go throughout your healing process, you may find yourself devouring self-help books, turning to religion, phoning the Samaritans, or pouring your heart out to anyone who will listen.

Most times, I believe SYBD can help, but there are some people we’re just never going to be able to help, and for them, more drastic measures should be taken…

PROFESSIONAL HELP

When in the sense-making stage, many members decide to seek out professional help from a doctor or therapist. If you are struggling to move on, after some time, then seeking help may be just what you need. There is no shame in seeking help – in fact it is advised – if you’re a year down the road and still crying every day – it’s worth considering getting to the root of the pain.

Forget what your friends or colleagues might say – what matters is that you are doing what you can to feel better. Besides, there are probably people you know who have sought support too.

PSYCHIC READINGS

During the sense-making phase many people will turn in desperation to psychics and other such individuals. While I have nothing personal against psychics, heck my mother was one of them, there are perhaps better more sensible ways to spend your hard-earned cash. Really as much as you may want them to, it’s very unlikely anyone else has the answer you really need.

Things will just unfold divinely – keep your faith that every day you’re getting better and better. The answers you seek are not anywhere else but inside you. And once again as much as you may want them to be solved by your ex, in my experience most exes don’t know why they did what the did, or they fell out of love, or they moved on to someone else.

Sometimes we have break ups that just don’t make sense. Mine from a decade ago – still doesn’t. But the good news is that given a bit of time – we simply stop asking the questions and move on. We’re resilient that way.

So my advice is stop asking the why why why questions and instead ask “how can I turn this painful experience into something good?” or “What can I learn from this so I don’t repeat the pattern?” These are, perhaps, better questions to be asking.

Success is the greatest form of revenge so focus on that and not all those unanswerable questions.

Tips:

  • Use journals to write all your questions and feelings out.
  • Use the Dead Message Office to vent your anger, pain, sadness, frustration, hurt, questions etc.
  • Write letters that you don’t send. Some people write them and burn them. (Just be safe when playing with fire)…
  • Find someone to talk to – professional or anyone who will simply listen without judgement.

Know that sometimes there just are no answers and it doesn’t make sense and no matter how many times you keep asking, there will be no satisfactory answer.

Aim for acceptance, heal, surrender, let go, forgive them and move on – for you, not for them!