soyouvebeendumped.com

Since launching SYBD nearly 10 years ago, I’ve compiled my own 12-stages of recovery and instead of waiting for my book to be published, I thought I’d continue to share the chapters (at least in part) here on the blog.

Here’s a sample of the Avoidance chapter – and just a few of the ways we commonly avoid dealing with a breakup.

Coming to terms with the fact that it’s over can be a challenge to say the least. Some people in coping with the shock shift into auto pilot and live in denial for a while. This is most often the case  when the break-up came seemingly “out of the blue”.  There is a high likelihood of avoiding every aspect of the heartbreak. Some people take denial to such extremes that they refuse to tell anyone that the relationship is over – choosing instead to proceed along like it is business is normal.

As humans we are clever in our denial. Many of us go to drastic measures to avoid family, friends, songs, movies, clubs or other such places once visited as part of a couple.  Sometimes people avoid even being in their own home because it’s too painfully-filled with memories.

We do whatever we can to ex-scape the pain. Some dumpees are inclined to over-indulge in eating, drinking, drugs or working. They may also find themselves acting like they are “over it” to people around them…when in fact they’re just avoiding everything by trying to sweep it off to one side or under the proverbial carpet.

Some people I know have kept up the pretence of still being in the relationship – to family and friends for months (even years) after it was over. While denial can be good, healthy and even necessary for a while – cases like that are the extreme.

People who are good at avoidance are exceptionally good at rationalising their behaviour to themselves (and others) – and generally concocting all sorts of reasons why it’s better that his or her sick father (mother, grandmother) still believes the relationship is intact.

At then end of the day though, it’s simply denial in its deepest form.

Again some amount of living in denial is common, and maybe even necessary, until such time as we can come to terms with our break-up. And forcing yourself to do things too soon could well be counter productive but really, in most cases, telling family, friends and colleagues can be a healthy thing. As an added bonus, they will most likely be more understanding of your mood swings, and it can circumvent those awkward “how’s so and so” questions.

Here are a few ways we often avoid our pain.

WORK

While some element of throwing yourself into your work (or for that matter into exercising), can be a good thing, it’s also about achieving balance.

Working hard and getting a promotion is good, working hard to “forget” everything isn’t. You might work yourself into an early grave and you’ll get several months even years down the road and something will trigger all that pain you avoided.

We can only avoid feelings for so long before they will rise up and bite us in the ass – usually catching us unaware.

SELF MEDICATING

Getting wasted is another hugely common admission of SYBD members. Some use legal substances like alcohol while others turn to other stimulants like Cocaine or Marijuana to find relief.

As tempting as it is, I’m with Nancy Regan here, “Just Say ‘No’”.

Using any kind of substance is just masking the pain and not at all helping you to treat the symptoms. Once you come down off your buzz, the problems and pain will still be there – and possibly even amplified.

Whilst intoxicated, many members over the years have made some errors in judgment  (some of them grave) while under the influence. Yes, over the years there have been many (often humorous to the reader) accounts of drunk dialing, texting and begging to the more serious smashing private property.

A note of caution: Drunken 3am “Why why why” phone calls only annoy exes and make the caller look bad. In some cases it ends up confirming the dumpers to decision to dump them.

Don’t drunk-dial! Avoiding the wine or beer (or whatever your substance of choice may be) will cut down on the probability of doing or saying something you could later regret.

Besides a lot of people forget that alcohol is a depressant – and adding that to a mix of already feeling low – does not a happy person make.

Ex-Scape

OK, provided you’re not an alcoholic, having a glass of wine with dinner to relax generally is perceived as OK (and some might even say healthy). That is, by and large, a little different to consuming a bottle or two of wine (or whatever your drink of choice) and getting plastered every night of the week to escape the pain.

The key, again, is to find the balance. As they say “everything in moderation”.

In future blogs here on So You’ve Been Dumped - we’ll talk about other ways people AVOID their healing process – such as avoiding their own home to doing a geographical to some new place.