“Am I Too Much?” and Other Crap Questions We Ask Ourselves (After a Breakup)

When we’re dumped, ghosted, or blindsided by a breakup or a bad coffee date, our brains tend to spiral. We obsess, overthink, and ask the worst possible questions. The kind that leave us stuck, sad, and spiralling further into self-blame.

Case in point: a lovely new acquaintance recently messaged me to ask, “Am I too much? Or awkward? Or do I talk too much? I can hear my ex-husband’s voice in my head saying, ‘I tell everybody my business.'”

Oof. I felt that. Deeply.

This question landed with extra resonance because, as it happened, I was reading a book that same week that talked about asking better questions – specifically Afformations, a concept coined by Noah St. John. The idea is simple but powerful: instead of saying affirmations like “I am loveable,” you say them in the form of a question.

When you say “Why am I so loveable?” Your brain kicks into gear to find answers, and suddenly it feels a bit more believable.

In fact, I replied with this:

Hey, I think you might be asking the wrong question. It’s not “Am I too much?” it’s more “Am I with people who can appreciate all of me?” We’re all “too much” for some people, and that’s OK. What matters is being real. Telling your story helps you process, and I’ve been that person spilling my saga to relative strangers in random places too, I get it. You’re human. 💛

Because, let’s be real, it’s totally common to overshare after a breakup. Word vomit is basically a rite of passage. I did it too, post-So-Called-Soulmate. In the days and weeks following that breakup, I’d tell anyone who’d listen. The clerk at the supermarket, the guy at the burger joint…Awkward, but part of the process.

So instead of beating ourselves up with crap questions like “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why did they leave me?” let’s start asking better ones.

Q: “Am I too much?”

Better Q: “Am I with people who can handle all of me?”

You’re not too much. You’re just not everyone’s flavour. And that’s fine. You’re not meant to shrink yourself to fit.

Afformations:

• Why is it safe for me to be fully myself?
• Why do I attract people who love me for who I am?
• Why is it so easy for me to be real and still be loved?

Q: “How can I get them back?”

Better Q: “Do I really want someone who let me go?”

Usually what we want back is our sense of worth, not the person. And you can absolutely get that back, without chasing someone who bailed.

Afformations:

• Why do I have such a loving and supportive relationship?
• Why is it easy for me to walk away from what isn’t right for me?
• Why do I feel more powerful the less I chase?

Q: “How could they do this to me?”

Better Q: “Why am I replaying this scene in my head instead of writing a new one?”

Closure isn’t found in their explanation, it’s found in your decision to stop giving them space in your head.

Afformations:

• Why do I feel freer the more I let go?
• Why does my peace matter more than their actions?
• Why is it safe to close this chapter and move on?

Q: “Will I ever be happy again?”

Better Q: “What small thing can I do today that feels good?”

Stop fast-forwarding to the finish line. Happiness returns in sneaky little moments. Let them.

Afformations:

• What is so great about my life right now?
• Why is it getting easier to enjoy the little things?
• Why do I deserve joy, even now?

Q: “What’s wrong with me?”

Better Q: “What’s right with me that I keep forgetting?”
Make a list. Seriously. Get out a pen. Remind yourself.

Afformations:

• Why am I so worthy of love and respect?
• Why do people value my heart and honesty?
• Why am I more than enough, just as I am?

Bonus: Relationship-Ready Afformations

Here are five of my favourite, most universal ones – a good place to start if you want to reset your mindset around love:

• Why do I attract emotionally available and kind partners?
• Why is it so easy for me to feel calm and connected in love?
• Why do I naturally choose people who are good for me?
• Why is it getting easier to trust myself in relationships?
• Why do I feel more whole and worthy every day?

Noah St John

If you’re curious about the Afformations concept, it’s from Noah St. John‘s book Afformations®: The Miracle of Positive Self-Talk.**
Worth a look if you’re trying to retrain your inner dialogue without sounding like you’re lying to yourself.

Incidentally, I really enjoyed the Afformations audiobook.

** Please note these are affiliate links.

Breakups suck, but they don’t have to break you. You’re not alone. We’ve got you.

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PS: Have you tried afformations? What afformation do you like best? Let me know in the comments!

PPS: Have you got a breakup short story you’d like to share? Share it here.