Dear Heartbroken One, A Letter to the Lovelorn
As your sort of future self, I am writing this message to you from the heart today…
Falling in love is one of the best feelings in the world, isn’t it? There is a person you have known so well. You shared meals, moments, music, holidays, innermost thoughts, hopes, dreams, feelings and fears. They were your lover and confidante. You communicated simply by looks. Little things they did or said made you smile. Their touch surged through you like electricity. Something as simple as a hug or a kiss from them felt like “home”.
When you made love, two became one. It was intoxicating. No one else knew you better and you never knew anyone else more than them. You constantly connected – email, texts, phone calls, voice notes – whatever.
They were on your mind all waking hours
You wished things could stay like this forever.
But, Nothing Lasts Forever
But for whatever reason, it didn’t last…Your love is gone. Just taken from you and the rug pulled out from underneath you.
Maybe it was in quick stealth-like fashion or maybe it was a long, protracted severing. Either way the result is the same. You’re alone. You go to bed alone. You wake up alone. Alone with your thoughts, your fears, your worries, your questions, and your stories.
Those thoughts and questions dart around your brain like a hummingbird. All those worries grip you and cause severe pain in your chest. Self-torture comes into play as visions are on repeat in your mind. These thoughts are probably about yourself, about your ex, your relationship etc. You question everything about your future, about life, about love…You wonder if any of it meant anything at all.
Perhaps you may even wonder how you can convince your ex to come back.
Losing Love and Moving On
If love is the greatest feeling in the world, then losing love has to be among the worst. There is no doubt.
But in the decades of running soyouvebeendumped.com, I’m here to tell you a thing or two.
You will feel the love again. You’re worthy of love. You really are. I hope you know that. (Check out my 7 Things to Remember After a Breakup for more on that…)
Just because he or she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you now, it doesn’t mean that will always be the case, or that no one else ever will.
When love leaves you, it can feel like you’re trapped in a very dark place with no way out. There is no light to see. You wonder how you arrived in this emotional hell hole – and if you’ll ever get out.
Everything you’re feeling, wondering, and thinking is not uncommon. I say, “uncommon”, because I don’t really feel like there is such a thing as “normal” when it comes to breaking up and getting over it.
Sure, we can talk in generalities about the stages people go through, but we’re all different and thus respond to grief differently.
All you are experiencing though is simply part of the process. It’s a necessary part of the process – so feel it all. Don’t run from it. Work through it.
Most of us have been where you are right now at one time or another. I’ve been there a few times myself.
I know it feels like you’ll carry around this trunk-load of sadness forever, but you won’t. The heaviness will gradually be lightened. The pain of the departure, hurt and loss will eventually fade.
As One Chapter Ends,…
This chapter will end and a new one will begin. The heart-wrenching memories will stop hurting you one day, maybe some day soon, and you’ll be able to smile when you recollect them.
That will be a good day for you. The day when the thoughts that once caused you such pain – no longer have their hold on you. They no longer cause any reaction. Ambivalence Day or for some Celebration Day.
The songs that you can’t play now, for fear of opening up a floodgate of memories, will one day signify happy memories of the time of your past love. The places you don’t go now, for fear of being haunted by old ghosts, will simply be places to go to create new memories. They too will no longer have a hold on you.
Time Can Be A Great Healer
Yes, it’s true that “time is a great healer”. We have all heard the phrase that “time heals all wounds”, but it’s a lie. It doesn’t. Time is just that. A measurement of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years etc. It’s not magic. You probably know someone in your life that never seemed to “get over it”.
What it can do is change our perspective. If we allow it.
You see, all of this that I’ve said to you, will only be true if you make it true. You have to want to heal, to move on, to become better, not bitter.
You have the power to heal and transform your future. You and no one else. Forgiveness is the key though. That will probably be the hardest part of your recovery. Some amount of forgiveness will invariably be needed in order to truly move on wholeheartedly.
It might be that you need to forgive your ex for his or her perceived misdemeanours. Or it might be that you need to forgive yourself for your own so-called shortcomings.
At the end of the day, we are all just works in progress. We both hurt and are hurt by others – sometimes. No one is immune. No one is perfect.
You’ll Love Again
The vast majority of visitors to this site have moved on. I’ve read tens of thousands of forum threads and blog comments from the lovelorn men and women of all ages.
You know what? Every single person has been where you are and most have gone on to become better people, to have better relationships and to love and trust again.
Again the choice is yours – do you want to be bitter or better?
This was my letter to the heartbroken of the world. Those who had love and lost it and feel they’ll never recover. This letter reminds you that you will. You will if you want to. It’s a choice whether or not to heal the hurt and bounce back to something better. I believe resilience is a skill that can be learned and that you can learn it.
Please share this with anyone who might find it helpful and why not consider sharing your story on the soyouvebeendumped.com forum, the Exchange. If you have some advice for the lovelorn you can also feel free to add it to the comments below. Thanks.