How Could Your Ex Have Ended It Better?

What follows are responses on an actual thread from vintage The thread was titled “How could your ex have ended it better?” While we often state “there is no good way to say “goodbye”, perhaps someone about to dump can take into account some of the words from the world’s dumped.

SYBD Member’s Stories

“Yes, if you are leaving your girlfriend/boyfriend for someone else— no matter how guilty you feel or scared you are of them screaming, yelling, punching— ALWAYS tell them about the other person. In my case, I had suspicions there was someone else and he denied it. I was thinking we just needed distance – we weren’t that close by the end, and I could handle that. When I found out, two weeks later, he had been cheating on me and was already dating someone else (a mutual friend), my vision of myself as a desirable, fun, smart person crumbled. It was more devastating because not only was I replaced, but this guy I had trusted disrespected me by lying about it for months.”

I feel that in a serious relationship, it should be made clear that a dumping is on the cards before it happens. The problems should be discussed, and an effort made to sort them out. Even if there is little chance of this, it may help the dumpee to realise that the problems were intractable; and who knows? It might work. My ex did dump me very sensitively. She did it on a Friday evening giving me the whole weekend to recover (HA!) before I had to go to work. She did her best to give me her reasons which were to do with incompatibilities rather than faults. The dumper should try not to say anything that will further damage the dumpee’s self-esteem. There may be a temptation to do this because it seems to justify the dumper’s behaviour. She made it clear that she was sorry for hurting my feelings which was a good thing, but can be overdone. She did it in private, which was a ‘must’ for me. I blubbed, and I would hate to do that in public. Also, after she had dumped me, whenever I asked, she always said that she was sure that this was the right thing to do. I found this comforting. There were no mixed messages.

My ex dumped me in a gentle fashion. All I got was a cheesy line – ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ – and a whole bunch of platitudes for my delectation. The only harsh moment came when I dared to query why our sex life had disappeared over the past few months, and she said ‘how could I possibly have sex with someone I’m not in love with’. That was a bit blunt for my liking! What made things even better was that I was dumped whilst living in another country, in bed and not long after a close family member had died. How’s that for a triple whammy?! In my personal opinion, any discussion about a relationship is private – so it should be conducted in a private place. Preferably at home or another place you feel comfortable. Dumping someone in bed should be strictly forbidden! Perhaps on the sofa with a big box of tissues nearby. I think it should be face to face – over the phone is cowardly. Dumping someone has to walk the tightrope between harsh and gentle. Blunt enough to give all the facts without leaving any room for false hope, but gentle enough so as not to totally destroy someone’s ego. I also think you have to consider the practicalities, especially if you are living together, where will you live etc. Under no circumstances consider continuing living together, unless it is completely unavoidable. I know that I have dumped people badly in the past and these are things that I think I would have benefited from being aware of then!

My ex should have admitted the affair when I asked him about it and been honest from the start. The truth comes out eventually. He should also have been honest about things in our relationship which worried him or freaked him out and talked them through rather than ignoring the problems and hoping they would go away.

Do it face to face! I was dumped on the phone after she’d been highly evasive all week. I got all the ‘You’re a great guy, but…’ spiel, but I could have dealt with it so much better if she’d said what she meant when we last saw each other, a quick rendezvous two days before the dumping. It could have been an amicable, ‘no hard feelings, it was fun but…’ type of split. So the summary is – honesty. Don’t try and prolong it when it’s over, but when it is over, at least have the decency to end things face-to-face.”

Could you ex have ended it betetr?

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