No Good Ever Comes Cyber Snooping on an Ex

Today I want to talk about cyber-snooping exes, which, to my mind, is less serious than cyber stalking…and something that’s far too easy and common these days. But before speaking about the present, let’s talk about the past for a moment, and how spying on exes has changed over the last ten to twenty years!

Spying on Exes is Not New

Spying on an ex has been probably happening since break ups began but it’s changed over the year. When SYBD launched, in 2000, there was a post on the SYBD forum about snooping. I don’t remember who started it – possibly me but maybe not.

Back then it was just general spying, not cyber snooping. That archive SYBD post talked about how much of a temptation it was have a wee nosy at their phone or maybe even their email to see who or what an ex was doing.

Anyone who’s going through a break now, in this digital age where social media ubiquitous, knows that cyber snooping is arguably a thousand times worse.

I admit, I was a snooper in those early days, but I soon learned (the hard way) that “no good ever comes from cyber snooping”.

What I mean by that is more often than not, when I looked, I saw something that hurt me so I had to stop and remind myself that “Ignorance is bliss”. What you do know, can in fact sometimes hurt you.

SYBD Members Discuss Snooping

Members of SYBD on the post asked one another if they had ever snooped on their ex. Remember this was back in the days when it was phones, emails or something like driving by their house or work (!), and not simply cyber snooping their blog, or spying on their Facebook or Instagram stories.

Here are a few replies to that archived thread:

“Yes, I’ll admit to snooping in the first months of our split, I joined as a member of one of the message boards my ex regularly posted on, not proud of it, but it did prove useful, as I found out quite a lot of stuff that she really didn’t want me to know about, which has allowed me to keep one step ahead of her rather warped way of thinking.”

-Magna, UK

Snooping by Email

“I’ve snooped twice in my life. Once, with my now ex-wife when I suspected she was having an affair (and she was), and most recently with a now ex-girlfriend when I suspected she was not being exclusive when she said she would be (by reading her email, I found out that she had posted a personal ad while we were together!)

The theme? In both cases, I was suspicious, and in both cases, my snooping not only turned out to validate my suspicions, but also saved me a lot of grief (e.g., for latest ex, it would have been far worse for me to have her meet somebody through the personal ad and then leave me for him). Sometimes the world is colored in shades of grey.

But one thing is true — if I feel the urge to snoop in a relationship, then that says something about the health of that relationship.”

– Mike, Canada

I Thought it Was Just Me…

I never heard of this being discussed before, and never realized that there were others that would do the same. I have done it so many times, but it just set me back each time! Actually, by snooping into his email I found out about the affair that ended our marriage. I had been worried that he was being unfaithful and denied it for the longest time. It was only when I confronted him with a loving and sexually explicit email from his girlfriend did he admit to it. My first crack at his email was precisely to try to see what he was up to. and i was right! Yes, it is definitely wrong to do it, and i was just being a masochist when i kept reading his emails and checking his electronic accounts after I was dumped! How sick is that?

– Levita, USA

Have You Ever Snooped?

Chances are you probably have in some shape or form. These days it’s more likely to be on Facebook or Instagram to see who and what they’re doing! It could be reading their blog, or Twitter feed. As harmless as it can be, if you’re in the early stages of getting over a break up it can actually do more harm than good to see what they’re up to. It may cause you to read into what you see on there which can cause setbacks.

So if your break up is fairly fresh then consider banning yourself from cyber snooping – at least until you can handle your own worst case scenario…for most of us that’s them dating (or even just sleeping with) someone new.

Feel free to share your experience in the comments.