So You Think You’re Over Your Ex Part 2
This is a follow on post from So You Think You’re Over Your Ex Part 1 here. The original post from many years ago now was over three thousand words. Who has the time to read that? So I’ll pick up from last week’s 6 points. Read on if you’re wondering if you’re over your ex. Though it’s not scientific, my post gives some things to consider.
7) No Revenge on an Ex
If you heard that something fantastic happened to your ex, would you be pleased? Or at the very least, disinterested? Or would you spend hours dissecting how unfair the world is? Rant to everyone you know that there is no justice in the world? Sit around fuming with envy over the good fortune?
If so, then you’re not there yet.
Someone who is truly “over it” would most certainly not celebrate misfortunes. Well, OK, not for long at any rate! Maybe just a silent smirk for a moment or two…
But if you find that you are dialling everyone you know to dish the “good news” that your ex got dumped, fired, or some other tribulation, then chances are you’re not over it.
Sorry. Keep trying…
8) Looking for Your Ex All Over
I’ve been very guilty of looking out for an ex who I was still interested in every where I went. If I’d go into town, I look into the shops we went to. If I’d go to concerts that I think he might be at, I spent more time surveying the crowd than the band on stage.
That’s a pretty good indication I was still living with the ghost of an ex.
And if you think you see him or her, or see a car like theirs, do you speed up to catch up to it? Feel your heart skipping a beat?
Most of us have thought we saw them and found we suddenly had a lump in our throat. Awful feeling isn’t it?
OK, to be fair, this is not a conclusive factor you’re not over it, because I have been known to see exes I feel NOTHING for, and still, my heart raced.
I guess you need to look at what thoughts are ones that cross your mind when you do bump into them to tell how you really feel.
Do you want to see them or speak to them or do you want to run in the other direction to avoid them?
9) Revisiting Haunts
Have you started going back to places (such as gigs, cities, countries, stores or restaurants, etc) that you have been avoiding since the split? Or are you still avoiding the former haunts?
Someone who is willing to face the fears and make new memories is a healthier healer than the one who categorically gives such power to their ex by staying away.
Go to that restaurant again. Watch that movie you both saw together. Go somewhere your ex might be – if you want to.
Don’t let the thoughts of your ex or of bumping into an ex stop you from doing what you want to do. Paltrow if you have to but please start taking your power back today! (NOTE: Paltrow is a sort of “acting as if” you’re over it).
10) Picture Your Ex Having Sex…
My own favourite test to determine if I am are over someone is, if I can picture my ex sleeping with someone else, and it doesn’t make me burst into tears with the sheer pain of it all, then that’s a pretty good sign the ex is firmly ensconced in my history file.
In other words, if it doesn’t hurt, or I am decidedly indifferent, then I am pretty much over him! Hooray!
“Let her have him”, that’s what I say!
Seriously, try it now, visualise your ex sleeping with someone else and whispering sweet things in someone else’s ears. How does it make you feel? Grossed out? Does it make you cringe and think “what was I thinking?”
Both are perfectly acceptable, as is feeling relieved (that it’s not you).
If however you’re now feeling angry, jealous or hurt, then that would indicate you’re not quite there yet. Some residual feelings remain.
Don’t worry hon, you’ll get there…
Keep on keepin’ on…
11) Wish ‘Em Well
A benevolent test for the more spiritual people out there is that, if you can visualise sending your ex genuine loving thoughts and energy (e.g. praying for them), then you’re over it.
If you’re thinking, “no way Jose” then I will admit that I can appreciate where you are coming from. That is challenging for most people. Keep working toward it.
If you’re saying to yourself “well I could, but why bother?” then I would remind you that the things we send out into the universe always come bouncing back to us.
So why not work toward sending some good vibes out to him or her – the universe always rewards
Every breakup is different and some people will make more progress at getting over their ex. Some people are more forgiving than others,…So if you are one of these people who struggles to forgive and wish them well, then aim to feel indifferent or wholly detached.
Essentially, if you are really “over it”, you should feel nothing (in the worst case scenario) – and nostalgic in the best.
12) Making it About Them (Food, TV, Horoscopes)
Are you still reading his or her star sign each morning? I know, you probably don’t even admit to reading them, but if we’re still thinking of our ex, it’s not uncommon to glance over their sign too. Having the same sign doesn’t count here.
If you are still buying their favourite foods, when they’re not your favourites too, then, you probably have a little ways left to go.
Years ago, one of my dearest friends was watching ER one night when she suddenly realised – much to her horror – she didn’t even like ER. She’d just gotten used to watching it with her ex. She stopped watching it that night and never looked back!
13) Attend Your EX’S Wedding
One of my friends suggested that someone who can attend their ex’s wedding, and remain quiet when asked if anyone has any reason the happy couple should not be married, then that person is probably over it.
Alternatively, if you go to the wedding, wishing that it was you saying “I do” to him or her – and not your replacement – then naturally, you’re not there yet.
If you couldn’t care less about the wedding – then you’re in good shape!
Stop Rushing the Healing Process
Don’t try to cut corners or speed up the healing process – simply trust that you’re right where you are meant to be and doing the very best you possibly can.
In time, you will know more about yourself, and effectively you will do, and feel, better. Try to take time to get to know yourself and feel good ALONE before venturing into the next relationship.
I am a great believer that people who use their down time wisely will fair much better in future relationships than those who feel the need to transfer their affections from one relationship to the next in order to get over their pain. I call that jumping someone else’s train (hat tip Robert Smith).
In some ways, getting over your ex is probably a lot like falling in love. You just sort of know – because you feel over it (and not just in denial).
You find yourself thinking of your ex less (or not at all) and if you bump into them, you don’t suddenly feel “back to square one”. Any setback you feel is brief – a few hours at most.
Forgiveness is Key
Being over it means feeling at peace with the breakup. There would definitely no longer be bitterness, hurt or anger.
Unfortunately that is where so many people on soyouvebeendumped.com get stuck.
If you’re unable to get past this pain, you will never be FREE from your ex. Work on forgiving and letting go, so you can once again be whole and happy again. As long as you’re stuck in the bitterness, holding on to the past hurts and resentments, you’ll never truly be happy or free.
All too often I hear dumpees crying out “…but if I forgive him/her – isn’t that saying that what they did was acceptable?”
My answer? “No, it’s not”.
Forgiveness is about self preservation. We don’t do it for them, we do it for ourselves.
Finally, someone who is truly over their ex would be able to be friends (if they so desired) without it being painful (or to be continually wanting more). As long as you’re trying the friendship route and still wanting more – then you’re not really friends nor are you over it.
Now, do you still think you’re over it? Yes? Well then, good for you.
If you have read all of this and determined that you’re not quite there yet, don’t get depressed, simply keep on working through it all, and eventually you will be whole again.
One of My All Time Fave Posts on SYBD.
And now, for anyone not quite there, I leave you with one of the best paragraphs I have EVER seen written on this site by someone who’s become one of my dearest friends in Scotland:
“I believe time alone doesn’t heal. You have to want to get over your ex and constantly try to see yourself happy without them. As long as you focus on the fear that you’ll never meet anyone else, the anger that they left, or the hope you’ll get them back, you’ll stay pretty much stuck in the same place. Of course, you need to take time to grieve the end of a relationship, but you also need to keep looking and moving forward – not backwards. It’s important to do new things, meet new people and create new memories. Gradually, as you force yourself to interact with others, you will start to find yourself enjoying at least parts of life again. If keeping yourself busy was the only solution to getting over an ex, then none of us would be here. It’s a combination of doing these things, time and crucially adopting the right attitude that works.” – Judge, 2000
Those may not be the words you want to hear but they are accurate none the less.
How Did You Fair?
So how do you feel? Are you “over it”? Or are there some areas you still need to work? Let me know how you’re doing in the comments below. Not that it takes time to get over your ex and everyone heals at different times and ways. The healing process, as I always say is not linear so please don’t compare yourself to anyone else’s timeline.