Why does it seem like it’s always so much easier to give advice than follow it? This is a post by SYBD VIP Serena09, who often gave really sage advice on the forums. I always loved how she shared her own brand of soulful support (and still does to me as a dear friend). As she had so many chestnut theories about life, love, loss and recovery, I suggested she write a post of her wisdom. Grab yourself a drink and read on…
A Little About Life Lessons
Over the years of working through my own crap… err, I mean issues in life, and watching others’ dramas unfold, there have been a few themes that I’ve found myself harping on… err… I mean discussing, over and over. None of these ideas are new, nor are they mine, but I find myself being drawn to their power and truth.
No One Gets Away Scot Free
Considering the site’s founder is based in Scotland, I find this apropos. In feeling “wounded”, there’s a fantasy that’s very heady, intoxicating, and deadly powerful. That fantasy is that the life of the person who wanted out of the relationship will automatically become wonderful.
Many of us believe that they (the exes) have all the cards. Maybe they have a new love, a better job, any job, passions, talents, direction — while often, we feel very lacking in these areas, regardless of the truth, in the days, weeks, or months after a breakup.
Often we, “the left”, if you will, start off by feeling broken, lost, hopeless, and helpless. We think it’s no wonder they left such a loser like us, and then proceed to sob into our pillow again.
It’s all a fantasy though. Even if they have all these “things”, those things are never the way anyone is really happy in life.
“There is no magic bullet to happiness. No woman, man, sex, money, job, house, car, child, talent…”
Of course, we may want those things, and they can bring special meaning to our lives, BUT… and that’s a big but(t), not a single object, event, job or person is the answer to any real lasting peace, joy, or contentment in life.
Let them “win” in your head, then pull back and retreat. Find your space and heal.
Making Ridiculous Mental Movies
When I’d find myself overwhelmed by the fantasy of their lives, I’d create the MOST ridiculous fantasies I could think of.
He was with this perfect human being now. They were so very in love and living the perfect life that unicorns and magic elves danced around them, 24/7. I imagined them winning the lottery, winning awards for their talent, having children, staring in uninterrupted bliss at each other for days on end. I pictured someone mentioning my name and him replying, “Who?”
Thinking these things would return me to the central question:
“OK, he has magic unicorns and bliss. Now what-the-F am I going to do with the rest of my life?”
When I realised he had no magic, I could start to create my own, for the right reasons. Which leads to another big discovery…
There is No Replacement for Integrity. None.
I’ve found myself repeating that phrase over and over, whether as a self-soothing mantra or to others struggling with how they feel about themselves after being badly hurt.
Integrity doesn’t mean being perfect, nor does it mean being honest all the time.
It means trying to do the right thing, as best I can. It means trying to be a good person, regardless of what others do.
This again goes back to the fantasy of a breakup – that “they” hold all the cards, have all the goodies, and are quietly sniggering at what sad sacks we are. Even if they were, what way to live is that? I want to love people, be a caring person, and someday feel free again.
Yes, there will be anger. Yes, there will be fantasies of revenge. But the more self-control I have over my actions, the better I will come to feel about myself and the situation. That’s why, for me, it’s best to never, ever, let them see me out of control crazy, and instead focus on what matters to me most.
Webster’s Dictionary defines integrity as:
“Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code; the state of being unimpaired; soundness; the quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.”
For me, this means fighting my “ego” battles in private – with trusted friends, writing in a journal, or on a message board. After the dust has settled, I’ve always been very grateful that, in keeping my wits about me during those first rocky months, I’ve had very little to apologise for later.
If I Say Nothing Now I Can Say Something Better Later
No Contact = No Confusion.
This ties into the whole idea of breaking all contact when a breakup happens.
Everyone has their own reasons for going No Contact, but if nothing else, after the trauma eases, I’m left with more clarity than crazy.
In the beginning, I’m just too unstable. My emotions go from zero to sixty in ten seconds. One minute I’m crying, the next I’m raging, followed by the sure knowledge that I’m “over it”.
Nowm imagine if I decide to write all that out and send it to my ex. Then the next day I feel something completely different and send another message.
Now I’ve become what’s known as the “psycho-ex”.
Are most of these poor unfortunate, crazy? No. They’re feeling just like the rest of us, but they’re choosing to share it all, over and over again.
If I can hold off for a good month or so, I can at least gain enough self-awareness and control to express my longer-running thoughts and feelings more clearly.
When I did decide to make first contact, I created a “48-hour rule” for myself. I’d write out everything I felt I needed or wanted to say, then I’d have to leave that letter untouched for 48 hours. If anything changed in the letter, I had to start the clock over.
This rule kept me from sending a lot of emails I’d have regretted later – because I rarely made it past the 48-hour mark in those early months.
I guess the underlying theme here is that having just the tiniest bit of self-control during the craziest days of pain and chaos left me in much better shape, in both the short and long term.
I don’t like regrets. Learning how to manage my overwhelming feelings without creating more pain for myself or others is a priceless tool in recovery.
Hold your head up. No matter how much pain a breakup causes, pushing through to become a better person for it is something no one can ever take away from you.
Got a breakup dilemma of your own?
Email ask@soyouvebeendumped.com with your question and it might feature in a future Ask SYBD post.
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