So You Want to Write a Letter to an Ex

So you want to write a letter to your ex, I get that. Over the years on SYBD, there have been countless questions, comments, and musings about whether or not someone should write a letter to their ex.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve contemplated that myself personally. Heck, I’ve done it, with varying degrees of success! When a relationship ends, there are usually a number of things you want to say, after the fact, but often, when I’ve written the letter, or email, it hasn’t really made a difference. If it did result in reconciliation, it seldom lasted long.

My thinking is that it doesn’t tend to make or break a situation in the long run.

There are a few things you might wish to take into account if you’re feeling the urge to make contact with an ex:

1) Time – Consider Your Timing

How much time has elapsed? In the early days and weeks, the emotions tend to be raw, and how you feel at three days or three weeks is often not how you’ll feel after three months or three years. Where are you on the timeline? More importantly, where are your…

2) Emotions – What’s Your Emotional State?

Similar to “time”, your emotions are constantly changing, and so are the perceptions of your relationship and breakup. Some days you will be sad, others angry, still others maybe empowered, and some days you’ll be more forgiving than others too. I find that mostly our urge to write them is when we are angry, or sad, or hurt, (or any of the more negative emotions). Usually, we’d often be better waiting until we’re in a better state of mind before we put pen to paper.

3) Motivation – What Do You Want to Have Happen?

What are you hoping to achieve from this prose you’re sending? Are you hoping to chastise them for hurting you? Are you really going to let him or her have a real piece of your mind? Or maybe you are planning on begging for another chance? Are you hoping it will miraculously alter the outcome, crystallise feelings, and result in a new beginning? Are you aiming for that elusive closure in some shape or form? Or are you doing it because you’re feeling desperate for some form of contact, any contact, with your ex? Is it to make them feel good, bad, guilty, sad, or nostalgic? Or is it to make yourself feel better?

Be honest with yourself about what your motivation for writing actually is.

4) Response – Can you Handle Getting One or Not Getting One?

This too, truly, is a biggie. How would you feel if you never get a response? That has happened quite a few times to me and it stings. How would you feel if you got a barrage of abuse back? How would you feel if you got a simple “Thanks” by way of response? How would you feel if they asked you to never contact them again?

In any event, even if you do get a response, it’s not really likely you’ll get the answers you’re looking for.

5) Wait 48 – The 48 Hour Rule

A friend and former forum moderator, Serena09, had great advice and came up with what she called the 48 Hour Rule which often got cited on our forum.

Essentially the rule was, if you feel the need to write something, then do so, sit on it for 48 hours, and if you can pick it up again and read it, do not feel the need to make any changes, and you still want to send it, then by all means, go for it.

However, if you make any changes whatsoever, the clock resets and you start the 48 hours over again.

Personally, though I love the idea of it, I don’t think I really managed to do it. I can be a little impulsive, to be fair.

That said, I do tend to take time to sit on it before sending anything emotional like that now. I do consider all the points above and make sure when I send something it’s from a positive, letting go frame of mind.

So How Do You Feel Now?

If you are sending a letter, or an email, to an ex with no hope for reconciliation, no expectation for response, and with a view of letting go and moving on, I say go ahead and go for it.

If you can ask the question “Am I behaving like a rational, healthy, happy, forgiving, and dignified person in this letter?” AND answer it affirmatively, then sure, go ahead and send it.

Because until you can get to that point, I would recommend keeping the letters to yourself, in your journal, and stick to no contact.

In most cases, your ex will probably know how you feel already. If you’re writing to say how hurt, angry, used, or whatever you feel, the chances are they already know it.

Can You Say “Thank You”?

I, myself, am a fan of the Gratitude Letter. The older I get, the more I take responsibility for my actions and outcomes. A relationship always has two sides. So do breakups.

It’s seldom, if ever, one person’s fault that things don’t work out. I find good in every relationship, even the painful or volatile ones. It’s often those we learn from the most.

So whenever I process the pain, hurt, sadness, and anger, I move onto gratitude and will often send a note to the ex thanking them for the time spent together. I only do this when I am genuinely grateful. Sometimes it takes longer than others to get to that point. I also do it when I don’t feel the need for any response.

Have You Written a Letter to An Ex?

Have you chosen to write a letter to your ex? How did go? Did they respond? Was it helpful? We’d love to hear your story!

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